I think everybody openly has an unhealthy dependence on the feed that pops up every time they open their Facebook page.
For full effect, download “D is for Dangerous” by
Arctic Monkeys, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this
post.
Over the past few days I have been tossing texts back
and forth with a good friend announcing to each other what we have learned
from Facebook, more so, what rules and laws make up the Facebook world that you
are all governed by. You see, neither one of us is actually enslaved to
the Facebook popularity gratification like the rest of you are. I use it only to promote my blog, while
he, well, come to think of it, he hasn’t posted in over three years. Now that’s a first.
Having said that, these are some of the
ultimatums/points of doctrine that we have come to discover through all of the
content you idiots are supplying us with on this desert island of a website. These are the things we have LEARNED
while being on Facebook.
1.
People have now decided that every time they eat something they
MUST post the recipe. Why yes, in
my spare time I LOVE making Frozen Peanut Butter Cheesecake, Hawaiian Ham N
Cheese Sliders, and Crescent Roll Tacos, now give me the directions so I can
put them in a folder I will NEVER open.
2.
It’s more fun to make fun of people when you are sharing the
criticism with others. Heaven
forbid that person’s self esteem get shriveled by just one derogatory comment
on their new profile pic, let’s see if we can get everyone else involved in modern
day internet bullying.
3.
If Morgan Freeman died, Facebook would break.
4.
After a barrage of posts every hour by one of our mutual friends
about his impending marriage and the excitement and elation he was feeling to
be with his one true love for the rest of eternity, he has since only posted
twice in four months. Neither of them having anything to do with his wife.
Coincidence?
5.
If a child is abducted, goes missing, forgets to come home after
school, just share the photo of her with all of your online friends. That way you’ll get a shallow feeling
of accomplishment that you contributed to the betterment of society as a
whole. How is anyone
going to find her if they’re all glued to their monitors? WHO CARES? You shared
it.
6.
Puppy and kitten pics can be both the funniest, and the saddest
things one will ever witness.
7.
Yesterday was Earth Day.
How the curse word did we know that? Because of Facebook. Did anyone do anything about that? Of
course not. Recycling is for
Lame-O’s!
8.
During finals week EVERYONE feels an obligatory response to make
hourly updates on how many tests they have taken, and how many tests they have
remaining, just so the kids at home keeping score will be able to keep their
tally marks in order on how close everyone is to being done this semester.
9.
One can put a motivational quote as their status, to change your
perspective of them from a toothless moron, to a wise sage.
10. One can also misspell just
one word in that motivational quote, thus sending them right back to toothless
moron.
11. #Imgonnagoaheadandputahashtagonthis
#eventhoughfacebookdoesnotsupporthashtags
#andnoonewouldeversearchthenovelimwritingafterit
#dontyouthinkimreallywittynowafterreadingthis?
12. Don’t you think this black
and white picture of me and my fiancé staring off into the art gallery is
SOOOOO precious?
13. Everybody really hates
Windows 8 for some reason.
Finally, everyone was somehow affected by the Boston
Marathon bombing. For someone to
do such a cruel and disgusting action such as planting a bomb is a disgrace to
humanity, that is the honest truth. So you’re going to show how loyal you are to the runners, to
the police squads at MIT, and to the city of Boston by posting a status
of the sorrow you feel for the three who were killed and the 260 who were
injured.
Oh wait, you didn’t know any of those people?
That’s alright. At least you’re being dedicated by
standing up online against all of the shocking disasters that mankind faces on
a daily basis; for instance, the explosion in West Texas that probably killed
over 60 people and turned a nursing home into a 93-foot crater. Oh you didn’t hear about that? That’s alright, you probably heard
about the earthquake in China that killed over 189 people didn’t you? Oh, you
haven’t heard about that either?
Is that because those weren’t trending as “popular tragedies” to support
on Facebook that all of your friends were joining; therefore you don’t care one
single cent about them whatsoever?
Oh. That makes sense.
Actually, no.
No it doesn’t.
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