The Relationship Status

I have talked a lot this week about what defines a relationship. The true factors that make up a bond between two people. In the past two W.O.D.'s that I have done, I have talked about first date personas, games that are played, being a gentleman, and the in's and out's of kissing. But...I will say that the sole factor that truly defines what a relationship is the digital crutch that we are all leaning upon; Facebook.

Yes that's right kids, the variable that most sincerely constructs a dating escapade is just a few clicks of a mouse away, the infamous relationship status update.

For full effect, download "Cult Status" by A.F.I. from iTunes and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

A few months ago I went into depths about how Facebook is ruining us as a culture. It has weakened us, destroyed our interpersonal communication skills, and has become the tool for which close to 15% of Mother Earth's population uses to destroy their own personality with. On Tuesday I comically wrote about the "DTR" or the "determine the relationship" talk that periodically happens between two people. With Facebook, that pathetic discussion can be avoided by one swift adjustment to your own profile. A relationship status on Facebook has become the new "DTR"

Jane Doe: "So...what are we?"

Swamp Thing: "What are...we?"

Jane Doe: "What is...this?" Cue awkward hand movements back and forth at chest level.

Swamp Thing: "This is...uh...?"

Jane Doe: "Well, what I'm trying to say is...can I change my relationship status to 'in a relationship' or should I just leave it as 'single'? You tell me."

Cue awkward silence as I brace myself for the next step in a serious commitment with Jane Doe.

I tried to explain this concept to my Grandma this evening, and she had an entirely different perspective on "relationship status."

Grandma: "See back in my day, we didn't have things like Facebook to tell people who we were dating. If a girl was dating someone, she would usually wear his class ring on a necklace, or she would have on his letterman jacket. And if she was about to get engaged, she would tote his fraternity pin. We used to say that she was pinned."

Swamp Thing: "You would call it 'getting pinned'?"

Grandma: "Yes. See the process was you would date, you would go steady, you would get pinned, then you would be engaged. None of those kinds of formal romantics exist anymore."

Nope, they sure don't. Not at all. Dating, going steady, and getting pinned has now been replaced with Facebook updates, wall posts, and relationship status changes. Heck, you really know when two peas are in a pod when they combine their Facebook profiles to become one person. You know what I'm talking about, when your friends Alex Golding and McCall Stevenson have changed to who they shall now be called, AlexMcCallStevensonGolding. All one word.

Yes, the acts of the gentlemanly dating romances are just farts in the wind in our day and age. We now live through our Facebook profiles. No longer will we need courtship, or proper dating, or even letterman jackets for crying out loud! Those are all far behind us. Now we live through social media. And the way that you tell if someone is off-limits is by what their profile says, not by the pin that they are wearing.

Location: McKay-Dee Hospital