Who died and said I have to answer to you when it comes to
the progress of my life?
For full effect, download “Yakety Yak” by The Coasters and
play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.
“So are you dating anyone these days? How’s the love life?”
says every single jerkoff wearing a wedding ring that I have a conversation
with.
Me: “Oh it’s great. You know, just dating here and there,
things are going pretty well.”
Married Jerkoff: “Well if I were you I would really look to
start settling down sometime soon.”
If I were you? What kind of a phrase is that? Are you
implying that I’m a failure at life because we didn’t make the exact same
decisions in college? I’ll tell you what, if we switched places I would go
ahead and pull the telephone pole right out of my own anus that makes me be
such a condescending prick to every one of my single friends and judges them
for not being strapped down like the rest of the married world. That is what I
would do “if I were you”.
In your eyes life is a competition. It’s a grudge match
where we are pinned against each other vying for the honor of best human being.
Since when do any of us have to compare our accomplishments? Just because you
settled down with the first pair of legs that walked your way the second you
got home from some foreign land like Millwaukee, does not mean that you are a
better individual than I am.
This world thinks we are all in some race pushing for the
same endgame of having a ridiculously large family with a never ending number
of stick figure stickers on the back of our minivans. Now I understand the
importance of setting goals and striving for accomplishments especially when it
comes to the concept of having a family, but I do think that saying my life is
a failure thus far just because I haven’t met my mate is a little bit douchey.
And yes, I did just say douchey. Go ahead, call me immature.
How would you feel if every single person you knew turned
the tables and threw your own judgmental medicine right back at you when you
asked how close we were to getting married? Tying the knot does not give you a
free pass at never doing anything productive in your life again. Just because you
settled down does not mean you shouldn’t try to improve your life in other
aspects.
“Hey Married Pete, how’s life? You given up watching porn
yet? You know you really should. Life is so much better without disgusting
habits like that.”
Yes, that’s how awkward it feels every single time one of
you asks why we are losers without a spouse. It’s the equivalent to us poking
fun in public at your secret dirty addictions.
Why is my life gauged by how soon I am going to find a
spouse? Why can’t the caliber of who I am as an individual be graded by other
influences like education, high-class friendships, and overall quality of life?
For some reason the world thinks that every 28-year old man who doesn’t have a
ring on his finger is living the most barren, most empty, most unproductive existence
imaginable.
In your eyes I’m a prisoner, without the ball and chain.
Can’t you all just take a break? Just relax for a few short
seconds, and not make this giant world we live in a conglomerate competition?
When I go home for family reunions and I begin small talking with my 93-year
old Great Grandma, I’m not asking her how soon she’s going to kick the bucket.
After all, when you’ve been on this Earth for almost a century, that’s pretty
much the next/last attainable goal possible. Last I checked it’s not a race to
see how soon she’s going to be dying.
I guess the bottom line, and I say this on behalf of every
member of the Single People’s Union, is to stop asking us when we’re going to
get married. Life isn’t a freaking race. So what if you’ve been hitched for
almost a decade and just found out you’re having your 8th kid. You
don’t see me asking you when you’re going to get your tubes tied do you? I
don’t ask because the status of your life, and your goals are really none of my
business.
That, and the fact conversations about your ovaries never
really end on a good note.
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