Why Do We Like This Guy?

I’m sitting here on a Sunday afternoon cheering on an adulterer to win a golf tournament.

Why am I doing this? Good question. Myself, and the rest of the sports world has not been able to figure out why we still like this guy. By the way, the curse word who I am referring to is the infamous Tiger Woods.

For full effect, download “You’re a Jerk” by the New Boyz, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Honestly, what is there to like about this guy at all? You tell me. Because I just watched the butthole drain a birdie on 16, got a dose of the warm fuzzies, and I still can’t figure out what there is to like about him.

Is it the fact that he’s an underdog? Are you kidding me? Absolutely not! The guy has won 72 golf tournaments in the history of his career. 14 of those are major championships. To put things in a much more simpler perspective, when he enters any tournament, he has a 34% chance of winning the whole thing, that’s how successful that he has been. Yeah, he has no shot at the underdog card.

Maybe it’s the fact that we look at him and see a man who we all want to be like. I’m sure that could contribute to our secret Tiger Woods fan club. Well, no, hold on a second, this guy did cheat on his wife for years on end, who by the way was hotter than Giselle and J-Lo put together. A guy who may in fact have put Hugh Hefner to shame with all of the one-night lady friends he had scattered across the country. This is a man who perhaps wasn’t taught the definition of morals by his parents. Well, that’s probably not why we like him so much.

Could it be his personality then? I mean, everyone makes mistakes. We can still L-word them in spite of those errors, just for their genuine character right?

No. Not this guy.

Did anyone else watch the spoon-fed, robotically-forced apology that he stammered for 20 minutes at a nationally televised press conference? You would think that Mussolini had more heart than he did. He never smiles unless he’s winning a tournament. He goes on cursing rants if he hits a bad shot into the bunker. Nobody likes to play with him, not Phil Mickleson, not Jim Furyk, not even Mr. Rogers would have an enjoyable afternoon teeing off with this overpriced, self-absorbed creature who more than likely would beat up a small kitten with his putter if he had the chance.

Is there anything about him that we should like? I cannot figure this conundrum out. He’s mean, he’s arrogant, he’s disrespectful, he’s dishonest, I can’t think of a single reason why we should like him. Is it because he’s ridiculously good at the game of golf, and someone who we all wish that we were? Yeah, that’s probably it.

No matter why we all should hate his guts, the guy just hit another birdie on 18 to wrap this tourney up, and I am still ecstatic that he pulled another win out of his pocket. Maybe I want him to just be an outstanding citizen, to be an all-around great person and role model for generations to come, someone who in the future my own firstborn son can cheer on in years to come.

Whatever it is, I don’t think either one of those things are going to happen anytime soon.