Look, I know that the two of us have had an amazing relationship over the course of us being together. It has been a wild ride, with some incredibly high highs, and of course some vomit-lined low’s. There are times in between burpees, kettlebell swings, and thrusters that make me want to go ballistic on you. But no matter what has happened, my love for you has continued to grow each and every day when we meet for a good solid hour and express our sweet passion for each other. I have loved the pet names that I have given you, names like Elizabeth, Nancy, and Fran.
Of course there is the pet name that I call you every once in a while that starts with a B and rhymes with itch, but that only happens in our arguments when you beat my physical body to a pulp. Anyway, the main reason for this letter is basically because I have to admit something to you. I made a mistake that I have to get out in the open just so that you and I can move on. Last night at around 11:30, I got a call from that girl that you know and hate with a passion. Remember who I’m talking about? “Rocky Road Ice Cream at Harmons?”
Yeah, her.
Well anyway, as I laid on my couch and thought of you, I made the stupid mistake of going out last night and hooking up with her. For two GIANT bowls we hooked up, and I thought it was so divine. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “What would Hoist say if she was just standing in my kitchen watching me shove my face full of this devilish deliciousness?” I feel so ashamed as to what I have done to satisfy my physical pleasures.
But, I have realized it was an errant mistake on my part, and after rolling around in agony all night, I realize that I need to re-commit myself to you, and what you have done for me in our relationship. I know that we’re probably going to fight and argue and you will no doubt physically abuse me, but that’s what I L-word about you. Again, I’m so deeply sorry for what I have done, and hope that you can look down in forgive me for my stupid, stupid physical mistake. I’ll see you kicking my butt tomorrow…
Much love,
Swamp Thing
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