Men love other men’s wives. True
story. Why do you think we spend so much money on women that we will never ever
settle down with?
For full effect, download “Going Up
The Country” by Canned Heat, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration
of this post.
If you were to look at this from a
research perspective, which is what most nerds who have fetishes for Star Trek
do, you could actually calculate the amount of money spent per bachelor on
women they never settle down with.
And trust me people, it’s more than
you are thinking.
Let’s take 28-year old John Doe as
our example for this study: an above average height, below average weight male
who ranks a solid 6.7 out of 10 when polled by 100 random women. Say we use him
as the example. Let’s estimate that John begins officially dating women at the
ripe young age of 16 years old. Because John is slightly better looking than
most young men are, he is able to establish a fairly decent rapport with the
girls around him and proceeds to go on an average of 2.6 dates per month.
Now, if we are going to calculate
the average cost of a date, we will be able to do this by going off of the
cliché and ridiculously overused “dinner and a movie” scheme. Yes, there are
the extravagant meals which he buys for ladies that are more expensive than
your habitual Applebee’s 2 for $20 deal, but on the contrary, there are meals
where he mooches off what is in his parents pantry and doesn’t spend a dime on
the food she shovels in her own face.
With these numbers being considered,
the average date for a 16-year old boy is going to cost an estimated $39.50.
$22.50 for dinner at an average three-star restaurant, and $17 for two movie
tickets. And no, we are not including drinks and popcorn in this calculation.
Those are variables that would completely blow up our calculations. The same
goes for the amount of gasoline he would buy to fill his old pickup truck, the
cologne he purchases in hopes the fragrance will entice her in a romantic
fashion, higher class restaurants that may be used for anniversaries/birthdays
and the like, and any other odds and ends that can be classified as
tactics/fees spent solely for dating purposes.
There must also be a few adjustments
thrown into the calculation to make up for inflation costs, the increase in
number of dates per monthly basis, as well as the quality of dates John Doe
decides to go on. For example, as he matures and begins to take dating more
seriously, he is going to increase the value of food that he purchases. Wendy’s
for a 16-year old male is fine, Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse is not. However, for a
28-year old male, Wendy’s is not and shall not be accepted as a place to grab
food before a movie. Unless of course the couple is in a serious relationship
for longer than six months, but we are not taking those variables into
consideration for this study either.
Therefore, to cater the numbers for
this study and make it as accurate as possible, we need to adjust the number of
dates that John Doe goes on by .1 for every year that he is in the dating pool.
At the same time, a fair adjustment for the quality of dates would be on
average $.50 per year. We are also under
the assumption that John is a true gentleman, and never ever allows the woman
to pay for a formal evening that he plans, which actually is rule number 58 of
the bro code.
I know your foreheads are hurting people,
but hear me out on this. The results make me sick to my stomach.
Taking these figures into
consideration, the number of dates he goes on, the amount of money he spends
per date, and the number of years that he is in the dating pool, we are able to
calculate that John Doe would be spending on average, $21,325.20 over the
course of his natural adult life on other men’s wives until he finds the girl
of his dreams.
At this point, you would think this guy would have had an affair once or twice.
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