To Jeremiah Rawson!

If I were sitting with Will Ferrell, John Goodman, and Alec Baldwin, doing an SNL skit about drunk people celebrating the Birthday of one of the most legendary men of all time, this is what our conversation would sound like. (By the way, Google “Bill Brasky” and you’ll know the direction I’m heading with this.)

Me: “Have I ever told you about the great, Jeremiah Rawson?”

JG: “Yeah, I know Rawson. Isn’t he the one who once caught a cobra with his bare hands, and used it as a lure to catch great white sharks in the Pacific Ocean?”

AB: “That’s the guy. Rawson’s a helluva man, ain’t he? In fact, one time I saw him eat 37 tacos in one sitting. After that, he ran a 5K backwards, and naked.”

WF: “Did I ever tell you about the time Rawson once harpooned the Sea Shepherd with the spine of a blue whale, just to spite them?”

Me: “Last I checked, Rawson grates cheese on his abs, and can iron his pants on his pecs.”

AB: “Did you know that he doesn’t check in with Facebook? Instead, Facebook checks in with him!”

JG: “I’ve heard that when he dies, they’re going to use his blood to replace fossil fuels, and his ribs as the new gates to Heaven.”

WF: (Raising a glass) “To Jeremiah Rawson!”

All: “JEREMIAH RAWSON!!!”

AB: “Did I ever tell ya about the time Rawson shook my hand after beating me in a game of H-O-R-S-E? When I went home that night, I listed it on my resume as one of my lifetime achievements.”

WF: “Animal Planet has an entire week dedicated solely to his beard. In fact, I heard the last time he shaved he had to put Band-Aids on the end of his razor.”

Me: “I once saw him win a game of Tic Tac Toe, with only two moves.”

JG: “17. That’s the number of women Rawson will have kissed by the time I finish this sentence.”

WF: “You remember back when Rawson found a full-grown Grizzly Bear in the wilderness and taught him how to play fetch with a bowling ball?”

Me: “When Rawson was in the fifth grade he once won a spelling bee.  By counting to five.”

JG: “Last I checked, back in the 2008 Presidential Election, both McCain, and Obama voted for him to win.”

AB: (Raising a glass) “To Jeremiah Rawson!”

All: “JEREMIAH RAWSON!!!”

Me: “Y’know, Rawson sure is a helluva guy. In fact, I bet if you were to look on the bottom of the country of China, it would say ‘Made by him’.”

JG: “I remember when he once used the wing of a 747 jetliner as a snowboard.”

AB: “I heard that every year the Pope drives out to his house in Logan and confesses his sins to him.”

WF: “If blind people were to use Rawson’s nipples as Braille, it would read “Where’s the Beef?”

JG: “Rawson once lost his front tooth when he was six. When he woke up, the tooth fairy had left him her phone number.”

Me: “On my iPhone when Siri doesn’t know something, she asks Rawson.”

WF: “I heard that his bottled sweat was the fourth-best selling cologne in all of North America.”

AB: “Did you know that a camouflage beanie he only used to wipe his face once is now on display at the Smithsonian?”

JG: “Rawson never has to lick stamps. Instead, he just stares at them until they wet themselves in fear.”

Me: (Raising my glass) “To Jeremiah Rawson. One of the only men who could beat up Chuck Norris without blinking, and one of the craziest friends I’ll ever meet.”

All: “TO JEREMIAH RAWSON!!!”