I have
been sitting in my underwear for seven straight hours, doing nothing but watch
a steady stream of college football. And I couldn’t be happier with my life.
For full
effect, download “Hysteria” by Muse and play at maximum volume throughout the
duration of this post.
Seriously
people, since 9:30 this morning I have been laying on my couch, with a beard on
my face and Doritos in my hair, binging on bowls of Marshmallow Mateys every 40
minutes, and doing nothing but watch guys in their mid-twenties beat each other
up in helmets. Dang, I love Saturdays in the fall. For the majority of the day I have been
alone. By myself. And I love it. You know why?
Because
sometimes I can only handle people in doses.
I’m sure you
all know what I mean. We all have people we can only take so much of. People
who are great the first few moments we see them, but after three minutes their
annoying traits make us want to pull out their fingernails with a pair
of pliers.
Ok, that
may have been a bit graphic, I apologize. But you know what I mean.
Heck, to
you I may be one of those annoying people. Perhaps I fall in the category of
someone you can only stand for a few quick lines of conversation before you
fake a phone call or use some other tactic to get rid of me. I know you can
only put up with so many of my sarcastic rants on dating. However, along with
me there are others that can go ahead and join the club of people we just can’t
stand.
Take for
instance the John Doe I deal with once every eight months. This is a guy who at
first glance feels like a homegrown hero whom I’ve shared many childhood
memories with. But after thirty seconds of listening to his sermons about how
successful his first few semesters of law school have been, and how amazingly
beautiful his children are, and every single other detail of his life he tries
to “one-up” me with, all of this helps me realize how worthless our friendship
actually is.
Or what
about the ginger-haired pigeon who questions me once a week via Facebook about
my love life, my dating prospects, the fact that I’m still single and why I
haven’t followed her example and found a partner as loving, and adoring, and
admirable as the husband she talks crap on while doing yoga with her
sister-in-law. Yes, I can only stomach your sage advice on relationships for so
long, so please shut your yapper.
These two
prospects are just a few of the people who I have to handle in doses. There are
plenty of other creatures whose presence I can only stand to be in for a few
brief moments of my life: the RedSox Bandwagon Jumper, the Thick-Eyebrow Drama
Queen, the Lonely Tiger, the Play-by-Play Narcissist, the Holier-Than-Peter
construction manager, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I can only
tolerate them for a brief amount of time. And thank the good Lord upstairs they
all live over 300 miles away from me.
In a few
short days we will all celebrate that one holiday Pilgrims and Indians created
with a sacrificial turkey. Family and friends will come together and loosen
their belt buckles for the outpouring of sweet potato casserole and lime Jell-O
salad. We will be exposed to people we can only deal with in doses. Annoying
Uncles, geriatric Great-Grandmothers and hypocritical cousins all rolled into
the same household. Some of them we can stomach for longer periods of time. And
this Thursday we’ll all get together and take shots of one another.
Alcohol
may or may not be included.
Some of
the best relationships we have are with the people who we can handle for
extended amounts of time. People who when we’re with them, we’re not counting
down the seconds off our watches in agony. People who we can tell our deepest,
darkest secrets to, and they still L-word us in spite of our flaws. Maybe
that’s what we are all looking for to make our life just a little bit
better.
Someone
who we don’t measure in doses.
I hate reading but I read your blog. lol
ReplyDeleteThe Dose Makes the Poison - Paracelsus
ReplyDeleteSome people are like botulinum toxin and will kill you acutely and others are cigarette smoke and will kill over countless years.
Very well said, Sir Brockus
Tucker, I'm glad that my words can keep a smile on your face and keep you coming back every few days. I'll do my best to keep you entertained.
ReplyDeleteAnd wise words yourself Jeremiah. I don't consider you someone who I can handle in small doses.