The Sex Lunch

The title of this blog sounds like a porno. With that being said, I shall pose the same question that I asked a few weeks ago regarding the title of this post; how many of you clicked on this link from Facebook simply because you saw the word "Sex" in the title? Come on, admit it. I certainly would have. Now that you are all blushing in shame at the double-click misdeed, I will continue on in my discourse.

As stated last month, I have a 2-liter bottle full of subject topics to choose from in which I will express my thoughts and feelings about. This week however, I will unload to you my thoughts and ideas regarding the topic of sex. Granted, these are thoughts and feelings from a 26-year old virgin who doesn't look like will be hopping between the sheets any time soon. However I would like to begin the week of sex, which this shall be called, by telling you about a conversation I had with three wonderful friends.

To protect their identities from possible scrutiny, I shall be identifying them with my classic blogalias's. First there is Goodyear Scotchsketcher. Second, B.E.P. Longhorn. And finally, one who has already been given a blogalias, J. Black Hairpiece. All three of them were seated with me at a popular restaurant in St. George a few months back on a day when we had the infamous "sex lunch."

Granted, all three of these studs are married men. Married to beautiful women. They are all classy, loyal, honest. The list could go on and on with positive adjectives to describe how great these three men are. My respect for them cannot be described. It was on this day when all three of these great men attempted to educate me about the topic of sex.

"See, it's not what everyone thinks that it is." one of them said. "It's actually kind of messy, dirty."

"Yeah." another of them agreed. "There certainly is a lot of cleanup to be done once the whole shibang is over with."

The third one agreed. "Seriously, that first night, you get something completely different than what you were expecting. The movies show it being all heated and romantic, when its not even close to what really happens."

It took my mind a few minutes to try to comprehend what these three were explaining to me. Dirty? Messy? A lot of cleanup? That's not what I was thinking! One of them then tried to use an analogy to help me understand this physical act.

"Picture sex as if you're hot tubbing." he said with a wry grin on his face. "At first you jump in the hot tub, and you're like 'Oh yeah! This is fun, I haven't felt this good in a while!' And then after a while you start to kind of feel like 'eh, it's not as fun as it was when I first jumped in.' And then you get out. That's a good way to look at sex. And then there's the cleanup after."

Wait, was he referring to sex in a hot tub? Or that sex is the hot tub? And what do you mean by cleanup? Do you mean figuratively? Or literally? It was at this point when one of them shattered my hopes and dreams with a very logical/business point of view.

"Look, sex is fun and all, but it's not this painted picture that everyone thinks it is. Sex is love and romance, but it's also completely different than you think. When you're laying there in your hotel on the night of your honeymoon, you're gonna find that sex is completely overrated, and different from what everybody says it is."

Overrated? Umm...thank you for kicking my hopes and ambitions in the gonads and throwing them out like rotten milk.

This had to be one of the most entertaining lunches I have ever been a part of. And granted, these three fine gents have much more experience than I do in the art of love-making. But whenever that day finally happens for me, and I'm laying in a hotel somewhere in a foreign country, am I going to look at my girl and say, "That was kind of like being in a hot tub ya know?"

I just hope she doesn't look back and say, "It was more like a luke-warm bath for me."